Archive for October 2013

I trust and still feel jealousy?   Leave a comment

It came up a little while ago in a discussion. Excessive jealousy. Don’t get me wrong, a little jealousy has it’s place in a healthy psyche. We are talking ‘you talked to a member of the opposite gender? How could you? ‘ or ‘you had an impure thought about someone else? You cheater!’. The kind of jealousy that puts unreasonable burdens on one’s partners. 

It is very harmful to relationships and it is one of those things only the jealous partner can really change. The object of the jealousy had no real obligation to mitigate their partners unreasonable expectations. They will only get worse if pandered to.

That, though, is only a part of what I have really been thinking of. What I am actually thinking about is where these emotions come from. They are real emotions, very powerful ones at that. Why do they afflict people, even when they know better?

I have an idea, and I don’t know how good it is. So please, humour me by giving it a little thought. The idea is very simple – it links back to how we define ourselves. I think trust and jealousy are related but different. I think jealousy, at least this kind, is less about trust and more about how one sees oneself with respect to one’s partner.
If one thinks of oneself in relation to one’s relationship then small things that normally wouldn’t matter become about oneself. One sees finding another person attractive as a direct threat to one’s self, instead of a natural and unimportant event. One finds all things in the relationship personal, even things that really are outside of the boundaries of one’s relationship, because one has not allocated ones own, and is therefore not allowing ones partner sufficient.

Anyway, what I am driving at is if one finds oneself unreasonably jealous, then maybe what one needs is a clearer sense of oneself as a separate entity. Healthy relationships always involve a certain amount of independent personhood. Things that belong to yourself without needing your partner’s approval or encouragement. Things that are yours. Maybe that could help? Hobbies they are not involved with that say ‘this is a part of who I am’

I don’t know. Normally I would read about it, but I lack the time lately. Perhaps I am wrong.

Posted 8 October, 2013 by erynnsilver in Relaionship

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